Why Do We Force Our Kids to Be Someone They're Not?

Yesterday I watched a Dr. Phil episode, Mama’s Little Boy or Daddy’s Little Girl: Identity Confusion or Brainwashing? And my heart went out to that little child who was born an “intersex,” a term meaning that the child was born with ambiguous sex organs (not to be confused with hermaphrodites who are born with two complete sets of both male and female sex organs). 

The heartbreaking part of the story, though, was the way the child’s parents were raising him or her. Dad is convinced his child is a girl; Mom is convinced her child is a boy, so at Daddy’s house, Aubrey dresses as a little girl, and at Mommy’s house, Aubrey dresses as a little boy. How confusing must that be for a 4-year-old child!

And yet, how confusing must the parents be as well. I don’t pretend to understand what they’re going through, but imagining how the situation looks through the eyes of a 4-year-old child, I can understand how I might want my parents to behave if I was an intersex. I would want the choices about me to be mine – without being forced to make them to please both of my parents!

Let me explain why I think a 4-year-old child is perfectly capable of knowing what he or she likes. I’ll use my own 4-year-old granddaughter as an example. Nothing about Avery is ambiguous. She was born a girl and she has long hair, which she loves. She won’t play with dolls, but she loves playing “house” with stuffed animals. 

Try to put a dress on her, though, and she will refuse to wear it. She does not like wearing dresses. And she loves to play sports.

Does that make her a boy? No! And if she wanted short hair, what difference would her hair make in determining her sex? My own son, when he was only 4 or 5, had long curly hair, which I refused to cut, because I loved the way it looked. He, however, wanted a buzz cut, so I relented. He didn’t like his curly hair, so why should I force him to keep his hair long and curly? I’m glad I recognized that even as young as he was, he knew how he wanted to look.

The Barbarians – Are You a Boy or Are You a Girl

Maybe Aubrey has been so brainwashed, the child no longer knows what s/he wants. And how sad is that? But I think it would be wise for these parents to allow their little boy or girl to choose whatever hairstyle, clothing, bedding, or whatever else the child wants to wear or to have. Right now, I think Aubrey chooses what s/he believes her/his parents want her/him to choose. Aubrey very compliantly lives as both sexes depending upon which home s/he stays.

In any divorce situation, when parents get along, everything goes better for the child. In the case of Aubrey, though, the parents communicate not at all. Mommy gave her “son” a buzz cut, for instance, without informing Daddy of her decision. I would imagine that by now, the child feels coerced into behaving like a little girl when she is with Daddy and like a little boy when he is with Mommy. 

So maybe a trusted third party should take the child shopping and allow Aubrey to choose for him- or herself the types of things that will help Aubrey learn to identify who s/he wants to be – and who s/he is – with no outside interference or coercion.

A walk through Toys R Us would give parents a clue about what the child finds fun or entertaining. Bedding choices should be the child’s too. And let the child lead when it comes to shopping for clothing. Hand Aubrey a catalog and let Aubrey choose what s/he wants to wear. 

In the meantime, though so much damage appears to already have been done, Dr. Phil has offered these parents some professional help. I hope they get it in time for Aubrey to go to school, where s/he will have to appear as one sex or the other. Kids don’t need much incentive to bully, and seeing a child who appears during the week as a little boy and on weekends as a little girl would give the bullies among them target practice on Aubrey.

Give Your Child Permission to Leave Class For This Reason!

As Dr. Phil acknowledges on his television show and in his book, Life Code, times have changed so much that new rules have to be applied in order to get through life. 

For decades, we have been teaching our children to respect their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, teachers, religious leaders, and police officers, but situations now require us to teach our children that people need to earn their respect. Children also need to learn how to recognize deceit and trust their instincts.

How do we teach children to recognize deceit and trust their instincts? By educating ourselves! The first place to start is by reading Dr. Phil's Life Code (to read my review of Dr. Phil's book, please click the link for One Book Everybody Should Own, Read, and Absorb.

Before you read the book and while you read the book, instruct your kids on how to follow their instincts. For instance, if the words somebody speaks don't match the body language or the facial expressions, be suspicious of the message.

Experiment with your children. Smile while you say, "I really don't like what you're doing." And then discuss how your smile didn't match your words. Clench your fist, squint your eyes, and grit your teeth while you say, "I love (pick something you hate – for me that would be liver)." Mixed messages should practically scream to the child that what you are saying is wrong or confusing.

The experiment will show obvious dissimilarities between facial expressions and words, and once children learn the obvious contrast, subtle "micro-expressions" (discovered and elaborated upon by Paul Ekman) may be easier to detect.

After you've introduced the concept of deceit, let your children try to trick you into believing their words while behaving differently – the point of the exercise – behavior is supposed to match spoken words, but with deceitful people, they don't.

Your child should begin to recognize that when he or she is confused by mixed messages, something is wrong and needs to be addressed. Subtle sneers and signs of disgust while someone is forcing a smile should confuse a child enough to prompt him or her to question the message. Experiment with the subtleties as well.

Sarcasm is another subject that needs to be discussed. Children often cannot recognize or understand sarcasm. The younger they are the more children pick up on body language and facial expressions, but as they get older they rely more on words, and when those words don't match the physical expression on the face or body, the child won't know how to respond, because they won't understand the intention of the words being spoken.

If children learn how to recognize deceit while they are still young, the subtle expressions that defy the words will be easily recognized by them when they get older.

Discuss with your children disparity between words and actions so that scenarios like the one above (Mr. Pennington's article) don't occur to your child. What should have happened in that class was that if the students had the information Dr. Phil talks about, and if they had the necessary skills for recognizing an irrational (and perhaps psychologically defective) teacher, the students would have refused to do the assignment, they would have walked directly to the principal's office, and they would have gotten positive media attention for standing up for themselves instead of succumbing to the perverted behavior of their "teacher".

We have to instill in our young people the message that they can stand up for themselves, they can speak up for themselves, and they can think for themselves. And if it takes giving them permission to do so, then that's what we must do.

I learned a great deal about body language and facial expressions from watching an excellent television program, Lie to Me, that for some reason lasted only three seasons. I was so fascinated by the program, I wrote about it in the article, "Lie to Me" and Paul Ekman:

Physiognomy and Phrenology Exposed. We could all benefit from understanding how to read people, and I was sorry to see the program go. 

The world has changed. People are becoming more and more adept in the art of lying. We need to arm ourselves with knowledge and protect our children from victimizers. The best thing we can do to help our children is to educate ourselves and talk to our children about body language and facial expressions. If you don't already know the subtleties of lying, watch the following videos and educate yourself more about body language and facial expressions. Books on phrenology and physiognomy should help too.

Here are the videos (the second one is long, but well worth watching):

Lie to Me - Reading Emotions and Deceit through Facial Expressions 

History Channel Secrets of body language 720p

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How to Give Your Child a Choice and a Voice and Still Maintain Control

When it comes to raising children, we can all use a little (and in some cases a lot of) help. Parents play only a small part today in influencing their children, because today's children rely on the media, their peers, other family members, and even various organizations to inform them about the world and their place in it.

Images of violence and voices of disrespect garner lots of media attention with glorified coverage of such things as grisly murders, violent drug busts, and frightening abductions. If a child sees a brother beat up his sister on TV, he might remember that kind of behavior the next time his sister takes one of his electronic devices, because a child's world view is limited only to his or her own few years of experiences. Children are more likely to handle anger and rage with short-term solutions that will cause them to suffer long-term consequences (bringing a gun to school to shoot bullies, for example).

As a result of their children's limited understanding, parents have to ask themselves, what exactly are my child's experiences? How much time does my child devote to gaming or watching cartoons compared to other activities? What does my child think about what he or she sees and hears on our television or computer screen? 

Children may be frightened by some of the things they see and hear, and parents need to engage them in discussions about those terrifying situations when they arise.  If you notice your daughter staring at the television with mouth agape after witnessing a particularly horrifying beating, talk to her about it. What are her thoughts and opinions?

If you admit that your child spends an inordinate amount of time playing with electronic devices, balance that time with movies you can watch together, board games you can play together, healthy outdoor or even indoor physical activities, and fun family events. Because if all children do day in and day out is sit in front of gaming devices, your child's life experiences equate to garbage in – garbage out.  

Children also need positive role models, because they often see news reports showing wayward kids high on meth, pregnant teenage moms who get their own television programs, wealthy beauties throwing temper tantrums, violent video games, screaming parents, chaos, manipulation, and more. Those are the types of people who appear to children to be successful because they've made it on TV.

Why don't more local television programs showcase kids who excel in school or other activities and ask the parents of those children to share their secrets for raising responsible and conscientious children – or highlight individuals who coordinate monetary collections for victims of the most recent worldly disaster? 

Why don't they? Because that kind of coverage is not sensational. Media highlight the weird and the aberrant – and sports – and kids think that in order to be accepted and in order to be noticed, they must fit into one of the aforementioned categories. 

What children don't understand is that media cover outrageous events, not because it is normal, but because it is ABnormal. We might want to see a feel-good movie where the protagonist beats all odds, but in real-life we are more likely to feel our hearts beat faster and our blood rush more with exciting entertainment, and if that "entertainment" includes mass murder, car chases, bank robberies, or arson, we are all the more glued to our sets.

Who wants to see some kid we've never met win an award for some local achievement we've never heard about when the most important people are obviously either criminals, sports champions, wayward politicians, contestants who fight with each other to win fame or money, or drug-addicted actors?

With all our children have to compete with, how can parents influence their children – our children – to behave in ways that will provide a roadmap to success? 

Despite media and other influences, we must learn to overcome the many challenges that face us as parents, even when, many times, we fail to live up to our own expectations. One of the problems is that we often raise our children the same way our parents raised us. And sometimes those methods just don't work. Our world has changed significantly since we were children, no matter which decade we were born in prior to this new century. 

If your child doesn't respond to your type of parenting, you run into brick walls as you try to force that type of parenting on your child. Again and again we ask ourselves, WHY is this child so difficult? When what we should be asking is WHY is what I'm doing not working?

Whether the following definition was spoken by Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, or somebody else, I think we've all heard the phrase, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results." 

Look around. The mother who berates her child in front of customers at the local grocery store, the father who beats his kid in full view of a public arena, and the teacher who singles out the learning disabled child to belittle continue to "solve" the "problem" by using the same techniques over and over without giving any thought whatsoever to changing strategies, without giving the child an opportunity to explain why he or she is upset, without giving the child an opportunity to choose a different behavior, and without giving the child the option to voice his or her opinions.

And the reason parents give to explain why they continue to raise children in ways that prove to be unsuccessful? – "That's how my parents raised me and I turned out all right."

I once babysat three children whose mother abdicated her role as mom when the father decided to take over the parenting role, because Mom was a drug addict and alcoholic. She walked the neighborhood caring a beer in one hand after popping whatever pills she could find into her mouth, and holding in her other hand for all the neighbors to see, her weed. One day after Mom moved out, the kids came over with shoulders slumped and tears streaked down their faces. 

The oldest, a boy, looked particularly upset. His little sisters were crying. I tried to make light of the situation by saying, "Somebody got in trouble, huh?"

And that's when the boy unleashed all of his emotions. I don't know what prompted the father to focus his anger on his son, but it wouldn't matter what it was – his reaction to whatever it was his son did, was wrong. The father had taken his son under the chin by his shirt, twisted the collar, and then picked up his son and threw him against the wall. These children did not even have a voice to use. They were so terrified of their father, they couldn't speak. *

And that's a problem. Some parents believe that when children are afraid of them, children respect their parents. However, fear ≠ respect.

After reading Nancy Tracy's article, How to Use Child Rearing Methods on Husbands, I decided to write the blog you are now reading. 

One book Nancy mentions is quite old, written in 1964, by Adlerian psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs, entitled Children: The Challenge, a book that discusses logical consequences. If children understand a direct link between action and consequence, they are more likely to choose behaviors consistent with the rewards that most appeal to them.

Another helpful book, and one I find invaluable, is Dr. Phil's Life Code (to read my evaluation of the book, please click One Book Everybody Should Own, Read, and Absorb). 

My children are grown, but I know that when somebody suggested something that would improve my parenting skills, I took advantage of whatever constructive advice was given to me. We can all use help, and we should all avail ourselves of any help we can get.

However, if you're the type of parent who throws his children against the wall, you will probably deny that you are abusive and you will continue to behave the way your parents behaved. If your children think they have no choice but to act as you acted and no voice because fear deprived them of learning to speak for themselves, your grandchildren will suffer the consequences. Slamming a child against the wall is NOT OK! Abusing a child in any way is NOT OK! 

Prepare your children for new life experiences. Teach your children to speak up for themselves. Allow them to voice their opinions without criticism. Teach them to back up their opinions with facts. Have family discussions. Engage your children in age-appropriate conversations.

Too many parents sit at the dinner table with tablet or phone in hand and engage only in text-talk. Tune in to your kids while they are young so they won't tune you out when they become teenagers.

* Out of love for his children, I reported that dad to his kids' school.

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The Human Spirit of Little Girl Lauren and Why We Need to Speak Up Against Abuse

When Dr. Phil aired a program on February 6, 2012, about the horrific abuse of a little girl who was kept in a closet when she wasn't being tortured and raped, my heart went out to that little girl (now 18). To have suffered so much torture from the time she was 2 – repeat – SO MUCH TORTURE, her vagina and rectum had to be reconstructed because they had been abused so badly, I couldn't help but wonder how she held on for so many years.

Could any of us have suffered that kind of extreme torment and come out as anything but violent ourselves? I'd like to think angels were watching over her. The story of Footprints in the Sand comes to mind, and I'd like to think God was carrying Laura through that period, lifting her out of her body so she didn't have to experience it.

Laura's stepfather and mother brought men home to abuse her while they watched. She was raped repeatedly by pimps and their clients. She was a little girl, made to sleep in a closet filled with lice, urine, and feces.

When she was discovered at the age of 8, after years of extreme abuse, she looked more like a 3-year-old (see above photo).

What kind of parent allows her child to live that way? What kind of mother or father allows men to rape a child, a baby? Barbara and Kenneth Atkinson are the types of parents who not only allow that type of torture but condone it. Barbara was the name of her abusive mother and Kenneth was her abusive stepfather. They are both now serving a mere 13 years in a penitentiary. 

The photos of Lauren were borrowed from the Dr. Phil website. If you missed that emotionally raw program, I invite you to click HERE to find out more about Lauren's experience.

And I would like to invite you to get You Are The Boss of Your Body, a free guide to preventing child sexual abuse.