The Maniacal Never-Ending Role of Single Moms (or Dads)

3 Kids in 3D Getting Ready to Watch a Movie

This past week, while two of my daughters and their husbands vacationed in Mexico, I was responsible for taking care of three of my grandchildren. Not a big deal, since I have been caring for children since I was 11 years old. For some reason, though, I forgot the 24/7 specifics about what is entailed. 

The way I used to describe raising children was like living in the midst of a tornado surrounded by a hurricane while stumbling through an earthquake with Earth spinning out of control, because the universe in which I had lived prior to having kids changed dramatically the moment they arrived. 

This week I had a chance to relive those wondrous experiences. Spending a week with three grandchildren, between the ages of 2 and 9, reminded of how every little moment is filled with all the little details I had forgotten: 

Dishes continually pile up in the sink, multiplying before my eyes, because as soon as I wash one, more of them appear;

Laundry grows even after I just filled up the washer, threw clothes in the dryer, folded and hung up all the clothes from the previous load, and what? - the hamper is full again;

Clean up messes (continually) and pick up toys and projects;

Gather homework from the night before – pack lunches into back packs;

Make sure everyone brushes teeth and hair;

Get everyone out of the house on time;

Make sure homework gets done when they come home from school;

Prepare dinner, give baths, put on pajamas;

Finally, get them in bed at a reasonable hour so they will be fresh in the morning. And then the day starts all over again.

Remembering my own experiences and living through them this past week, I don't think parenting today is any more hectic than it was when I was raising kids. In the days when I also had a full- or sometimes several part-time jobs and I was going to school full-time, I had to be ultra-organized, especially when my kids had numerous after-school activities to attend. After spending a week with my grandkids, I'm amazed that I performed all of those functions – alone. But I did! 

Since 1969, I have been on hyperdrive, raising four children, maintaining a home, working, and looking forward to retirement. Today I'm retired, but I'm still in hyperdrive. My youngest daughter graduated from high school in 2002. So for over 30 years, I lived as a maniacal mom, frantically trying to get everything completed within a reasonable period of time. Often I failed. We were late to a basketball game this week by 2 minutes, because the game had already begun.

After a whirlwind week, I had prepared my grandkids for their parents return. The week was over and the kids would awaken yesterday morning with both parents home. They were so excited, and so was I – I made it through the week! I have to admit, though – last night I slept for 9 hours!

So for all you single moms (and single dads) who are living in that hurricane-wrapped tornado, please know that one day you, too, will look back and wonder how you made it through these times. Do yourself a favor and  take time today to congratulate yourselves and reward yourself once in a while, because one day you'll forget the day-to-day things – unless you offer to care for your grandkids while their parents are away – and then it will all come back to you as it did to me! And as far as retirement is concerned, I'm not really sure what that is yet.

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Prevention Through Proactive Parenting

Children sometimes have meltdowns that could have been prevented if parents and caregivers had noticed the signs before explosive temper tantrums erupted.

Proactive Parenting helps parents understand their child's moods and needs. Please click the link to read about how you can proactively parent your child.

Mothering or Smothering?

Since I was five years old, I've had asthma. My parents had no idea what to expect from an asthmatic child, so my mother's first instincts were to rush into overprotective drive. In the winter, back in the day when girls weren't allowed to wear pants, she would dress me in leotards. Under the leotards I wore bulky long underwear.

The school uniform consisted of a wool skirt, a short-sleeved blouse, and a vest. Over the vest I wore a sweater – buttoned up. Over the sweater was a heavy winter jacket. I also wore a hat, gloves, a scarf, and boots. (My sister Cindy once drew a picture of how my sisters and I looked – like giant balloons bouncing down the street. One swift wind would have blown us sky high.)

By the time I got to school, which was four blocks away from my home, I was drenched in sweat. I was always the last child to undress at the lockers. Until my body acclimated to the indoor conditions, I would shiver until the sweat dried up.

However, after having children of my own, I understand why my mother was so over-protective. She was afraid she would lose me to one of my asthma attacks. All of her actions generated from fear.

I operated from fear all of my children's lives too. I still do. When one isn't happy, I'm the first one to rush in with remedies. We all want to raise happy and healthy children and many parents will do whatever it takes to ensure a happy healthy outcome.

But are we smothering our children? I recently read an article in Ladies' Home Journal, entitled, Smotherly Love, written by Michelle Blake. Michelle wrote, "The truth was that seeing my children unhappy made me unhappy. And I didn't like that….my kids could sense my anxiety in the vibrato of my forced cheerfulness and my fumbling attempts to suss out crucial information…Too often they got the message that the fleeting unhappiness brought on by disappointment of any kind constituted an intolerable burden–for them and for me. It was better not to try than to fail, better to stay in your  known little world and avoid the judgments of the wide and wicked universe."

As parents, we are forever learning. My children are all grown and I'm still jumping in to save them from sorrow. But I have to remember that when they first started walking, they, like every other baby, fell numerous times. I had to learn that it was OK for them to fall, that I didn't have to be there every second to pick them up or to make sure they were not hurting. I have to learn to allow them to fail too, so they can pick themselves up again and move on from their pain or their sorrow.

Our goal as parents is not to insure our child's happiness, but to support our child when he or she fails and succeeds. Children have to expect to feel pain in their lives and we have to learn how to step back and allow our children to live their own lives. If we smother them with love, they won't be able to breathe.

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What Methods Do You Use In Your Parenting Skills?

This morning the little boy I watch came over with a blanket the size of a wash rag. It reminded me of the story I'd heard about an ex-son-in-law who was so attached to his blanket, his father devised a way to rid him of the embarrassing (for dad) habit.

Every few nights, when little Wes went to sleep, his father snipped off around 2 inches of his blanket, first from one side, then from another. He left two satiny sides for his son to hold onto. Eventually little Wes dragged around a 2-inch-square rag of a blanket.

That story still cracks me up when I think of this poor little baby walking around with a tiny rag. And I can't help but wonder what went through that baby's mind as he saw his blanket disappearing inch by inch.

When my oldest daughter, Keeley refused to give up her pacifier, I tried to reason with my 2-year old. "Big girls don't use pacifiers."

We walked through the mall without the pacifier and she was perfectly fine UNTIL we came across a little boy who looked to be around 4 years old sucking away on a pacifier. I wondered if that was her first clue that boys were the preferred sex in our world, even when it came to the right to suck on a pacifier.

As my children grew, I watched how other people raised their children and tried to adopt methods I thought would work for me in my parenting. So many things factor into how a child responds to different parenting methods – what works for one child might not necessarily work for another. But when we see other children behaving well, we want to know what they are doing that is different from what we are doing.

One thing I know for certain that works is consistency. If a child knows what to expect, he or she acts according to expectations and consistent action. If mom or dad insists the child go to bed at 8:30 and the child continues to get up with excuse after excuse (getting water, going to the bathroom), parents should address those issues BEFORE bedtime.

While some children are relentless and will make requests, night after night – more water, more food, read another book – if parents consistently refuse to give in to the demanding child, and if parents provide the kind of consistent loving care in every other area of the child's life, eventually the child will give in.

Consistency is tiring work. And some children can so exhaust a parent that some parents cave.

So whatever you do, do it with love and do it consistently. And don't cave in. The rewards are amazing!

How Much Help Do Parents Actually Need?

How much help do parents actually need to raise healthy, loving, happy, and productive children? LOTS.

Fortunately, lots of resources are available to help parents who have questions about raising their children. Here are a few of those resources (and at the end of this blog is a link to an article I came across that offers some great uses for coffee filters – just thought I'd throw that in the mix – after all don't we love hearing about ways to save money?) :

My Family is a web site that allows you to create a network of parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, children, grandchildren, and grandparents who share photos, stories, and news about their own families. You can invite family members of family members to join as well.

Parenting is an online magazine that offers articles on everything from how to get pregnant to how to choose the right preschool for your toddler.

Parenting (ivillage) is a community of parents with several areas devoted to all aspects of parenting and includes videos, customized calendars, mom-to-mom advice, and links to maternity information, as well as articles about your tween and teen.

Parenthood is another great web site that offers parents advice on the parenting process.

Though numerous parenting web sites exist, many of them include most of the information and resources as those found above. Even if they are the caliber of the sites posted above, this next one is worth mentioning. Family Education is a great parenting web site organized in such a way that you can quickly locate information geared to the specific age of your child(ren). It includes printable games and activities for children, games for mom, and a recipe database.

And now for the promised coffee filter article entitled, "20 Uses For Coffee Filters Around The House."