Should You Bribe Your Children?

The discussion on a local radio station last month prompted me to write this blog. A mother was bribing her children by promising them extra Christmas presents if they performed chores around the house. The caller didn't mention the ages of the children, but what ensued as a result of the bribe was that the children were stepping up their chores by finding more and more tasks to complete in order to fill the space beneath the tree.

In my experience, "If … Then …," works only in the computer world. Children tend to take "if-thens" as a challenge, and some kids fold their arms across their chest in defiance at a parent who dares to challenge them in that manner.

When my own children were young, I tried the If-Then approach until I realized it didn't work. Bribes cost too much, for one thing. And if you set your children up to experience a Bribe Only world, they will expect others to offer them bribes to complete tasks too. They will think, "If I do this FOR you, what can I expect FROM you?" Children don't experience the sheer pleasure derived just from "giving" with that type of mindset.

If you prepare them for life in that manner, you set them up to believe that the world will give them whatever they want IF they behave a certain way. IF they don't, who cares?

Much better – and far more effective – is the After-Then approach:

After you put your toys away, we'll go to the park.

After you finish your homework, we'll play that game together.

After you finish your dinner, we'll make your favorite snack together.

The reward is not dependent upon whether or not they perform. It's understood, of course, but not dependent upon it. The wording loses its challenge.

By using the After-Then approach you give your children incentive to complete a task or finish a chore. They know that WHEN (not IF) they finish the task or chore, they will earn their reward.

Once you establish an After-Then situation, don't give in. If you say that AFTER they finish putting their clothes away, you'll take them to the zoo, and their clothes are sill sitting in the laundry basket, don't then take them to the zoo. Because by not following through, you give your children mixed messages and the next time you use the After-Then approach they will remember (they always remember) how easily they got away with NOT finishing the task the last time you suggested it. By not delivering on your promise, you have set your children up to believe that what you say doesn't matter. 

When you state, quite logically, that after such and such comes such and such, you have to be willing to follow through using your own logic. If you're not willing to follow the logic, don't set the premise.

Positive reinforcement for jobs well done does wonders for children, so please don't include bribery.

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Divorce and Fatherhood: Coping With Missing the Kids

Guest Post from Donald Pennington

Divorce is one of the major stressful events in most people's lives. It's been likened to dealing with the death of a close friend or family member – including the usual stages of grief. It might just be my own opinion (but it is an opinion based upon my observations) that we men are actually at a disadvantage during a divorce because, unlike women in general, we don't deal with our feelings well, since our traditional roles rarely allow us to discuss feelings. We often lack a lot of information which would otherwise make the grieving process much easier.

I'm sharing here today to help other men who've found themselves in the same place I once was, struggling with a divorce – especially in the cases where we dads are missing our children. Because - of all the aspects of a divorce - missing the children is perhaps the most painful. I don't have all of the answers to every problem – and believe me when I say I made my own share of mistakes too – but I am here to try and help someone else ease their own pain and hopefully find some measure of relief. My goal is to hopefully bring a fresh perspective to another person's situation as a way of expressing gratitude for those who did the same for me. I hope something here is of some use to someone, somewhere.

It all stems from fear. The biggest portion of the pain we divorced dads feel seems to come from fear. When we see or hear how the kid's hearts are broken by the divorce, we fear their pain and we want to protect them, of course. That's our “job” after all – to be the protector of our offspring. And we fear missing out on the chance to teach and guide our children, to be there for them, to just be their dad, flaws and all. These fears are so powerful and pervasive since, unlike simple anticipated fears, they have a basis in reality. Our children's hearts really are breaking. We really are missing out on being there for them. We truly are missing the milestones of their childhood and it hurts. Occasionally, she ends up with another guy who may not treat them as well as they should. These fears are rational and they hurt like few other things. Face these fears calmly and with a smile. Acknowledge them and
embrace them yourself but never try using them as leverage.

Love is still the answer. We are all unable to control the actions of others. All any of us have (and this includes the ex, their friends, the courts – ANY of us) is the ability to control how we respond to the actions of others. Letting go of some of the need to control things will also release a few of those fears. Acting out of fear often leads to negative consequences. When your actions stem from love you will find good results – and you'll be bolder, calmer and more confident as well. If the only people who you're willing to act from love for is your children, so be it. They deserve to be considered first anyway, right?

Play fair. It's possible that our ex's know keeping us from our children hurts and behave this way as some sort of punishment. Whether the ex-wife, the former in-laws or even the courts seem fair or not - even in situations wherein others are not being fair themselves - we must focus on being fair ourselves, for the children's sakes. It's not about us. It's about them and we are the grown-ups in the room.

To illustrate this point, I'll share with you something my dad and I discussed. I was doing my usual griping and complaining about my ex one day. Looking back, I think I was probably hoping for some sympathy from the old man, seeing that he and my mom had divorced when I was three and he hardly got to see me very often for years himself. I figured he'd understand. Somewhere in the discussion I made a typically self-centered comment of one sort or another and somehow, the words came out sounding like I was thinking of doing something stupid. (I probably was.)

His very loud, somewhat angry response got my attention and has stuck in my mind permanently. He said “Look! You need to watch your dumb a$$ mouth! Don't act like this in front of them! You and her went into the marriage with your eyes wide open but those kids didn't ask to be born!” He was right again. We must play fair, for their sake, whether anyone else does or not. That's even if we “lose” temporarily. The goal is to scar their young minds as little as possible.

Extend the olive branch. It might sound very difficult – and depending on the level of emotions it might even actually be difficult – but you will want to be the first one to extend an olive branch. I'd recommend a simple, hand-written letter to your ex, not “certified” as that will just cause their guard to go up, which reads something to the effect of, “You're perfectly welcome to say anything you want to about me. Just please don't say it to the children.” Be polite, courteous and leave all other commentary out of this letter. In my case, I had to also call her and tell her that I was “done with being an a$$hole about this.” A little bit of humility is powerful stuff. My personal situation might be a little bit different than yours. But I'll bet you dollars to donuts you'll find expressing the willingness to be peaceful effective. *One side-note: Once you make this offer, stick with it. We guys are infamous for saying one thing and doing another. Keeping this arrangement will gain you much ground and might even completely adjust her behavior.

Time factors in too. Right now it might seem hard to believe but eventually, you will adjust. A day will come when you one day look back and realize this was a difficult, painful time – but it wasn't the end. A guy in Florida was talking with me during a particularly difficult day and said, “When I first got divorced, I cried myself to sleep every night because I lost my wife. Now I cry myself to sleep every night because I'm afraid she might someday want me back.” You'll reach this point eventually, too. Just make sure not to screw up permanently because of temporary emotions along the way.

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For more from Donald, please visit Expertspages by clicking the link. You can also find Donald on Yahoo Voices, and you can buy his book, Winging It; 21 Ways to Earn Money Without a Job, by clicking the links.

Homeschooling Tips for Single Parents

by Lyn Lomasi

Homeschooling is a challenging educational choice. When I became a single parent and decided to go back to homeschooling two of my four kids at the same time, many wondered if it was the right choice. Sure, schooling the kids at home can be challenging  -- especially for single parents. But I knew it was the right choice for my kids, so I made it work. 

Relax. This is crucial to remember. If you are calm, things go much smoother. When you stress, so do the kids -- and that isn’t a conducive learning or teaching environment. We like to do yoga together before starting the day. This helps clear the mind for better focus and is also extremely relaxing and energizing at the same time.

Scheduling should make sense. Remember that if you homeschool, you do not have to teach and learn in a strict time period. Just be sure that your child is learning at least the required number of hours in your area. Check with your local educational department for homeschooling regulations. Single parents generally have a work schedule and other things to work around. Keep that in mind when making time for learning. 

Don't forget the fun! We like to take frequent field trips, use games for teaching, and go hiking on the trails with the dogs. Most local venues can double as fun and education. For instance, on a tour in a food factory, children may have fun tasting. But they will also learn how that food was made, which could enhance current lessons. These fun trips can help relieve the stress of doing the school thing on your own. We sometimes meet other homeschooling families, which helps as well. 

Work remotely when possible. If you can, find a job that allows you to work from home. If this isn’t possible in your field, check with your boss to see if there are certain tasks you can do at home to cut down on the hours you need to be at the office. Some parents may not be able to do this. However, working at home has helped me immensely with homeschooling as a single parent. It is much easier to make arrangements the rare times when I do need to go to the office than to do so every day. I somehow feel more comforted knowing that even if I have a large workload, I can still supervise my children with their lessons because we are all in the same place. 

Split up schooling times. If you have other kids who are not homeschooling (like me) or have a job outside the home, this may be the best way to handle things. For instance, if you work a traditional 9-5 job and your child needs 6 hours of school per day, you can teach from 6 a.m. - 8 a.m. and again from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. During the day when you are at work, if the kids are younger, they could attend day camps. If they are older, they could do the same or attend extracurricular classes, such as photography, art, dance, or music. They can also study some of that time if there are things they can do without your assistance. 

Have more than one teacher. Is the other parent available to teach some of the classes? What about a grandparent, nanny, tutor, or daycare provider? Before setting this up, be sure the homeschooling laws in your state allow for this, as some only allow the legal guardian to be the teacher. If you are able to split schooling time with another responsible adult, this can help get around some common scheduling issues single homeschool parents face. 

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Author Blurb

Lyn Lomasi is the Community Advocate at Yahoo! Contributor Network. She's also a freelance web journalist and founder of Write W.A.V.E. Media, parent company to LifeSuccessfully.com and several others. From parenting techniques, to energy usage, to humane animal treatment, homeless aid, reducing waste and more, Lyn is committed to saving the Earth as a whole. For this self-made momtrepreneur, green living and sustainability is not about a few small product choices. It s a way of life and a labor of love. She is currently raising her kids and pets in Colorado.

Prevention Through Proactive Parenting

Children sometimes have meltdowns that could have been prevented if parents and caregivers had noticed the signs before explosive temper tantrums erupted.

Proactive Parenting helps parents understand their child's moods and needs. Please click the link to read about how you can proactively parent your child.

Little Boys Love Their Urinators

If this blog sounds familiar, I apologize. You see, I have been warned by Google – again – that by mentioning the male anatomy, I have violated the terms of Adsense, so in a repeat (twice – because the url of the blog didn't change after I changed the title and the name of the male anatomy) of the blog I originally published on July 5, 2010, which Google demanded I delete, I am now complying once again with the Adsense rules by changing the name of the male anatomy from what it is actually called anatomically to what I hope will appeal to Google's terms – for the sake of this blog, the official name of the male anatomy is now called a urinator. Phew! That was one looooong sentence.

And now back to the original blog (with changes) for the blog which is now called, Little Boys Love Their Urinators:
Already I hear women applauding everywhere, because as everybody knows, from the time they discover their "private parts" in the earliest year of their lives, little boys can't stop playing with them and they can't stop showing them off.

I will not embarrass any one of my grandsons in this blog (I can already hear the older ones sighing relief), nor will I embarrass my own son (HUGE sigh of relief), but I have to blog about this new situation. 

Before I begin, let me explain something – having never been a boy, I can only imagine what it must feel like to find something hanging from my body that had previously been hidden inside a diaper.

Little boys LOVE their "urinators" and they LOVE what they can do with them. The love, praise, admiration, and excitement for anything "urinator" related is a genetically male birthright. From the time they first discover theirs, they flaunt it and show it to everybody they know (and to everybody they don't know).

"Look what I can do! Look what I can do!"

You will find little boys watering the lawn, spraying the entire bathroom, targeting diamond shapes on the shower curtains, and even building puddles on the rugs.

Their entire lives, beginning when they are very young, they hear the words, "Keep it in your pants."

Just this morning, one of my (nameless) grandsons was walking around holding his "urinator" as a weapon, daring to pee on anybody within spray range.

"That is your private part and you are supposed to keep it in your pants," one of my nameless children told him.

My grandson wasn't even slightly upset about the admonition, because he rolled his eyes and remarked, "It's not my pirate part" as he continued to "psssshhhhh psssshhhhh," his way around the house.

Of course, eventually, he placed his multi-tasking machine back into his pants. And, who knows, maybe when he pulls out his "pirate part" again, he'll be able to hoist a ship with it. "Ahoy, Maties! Look what I can do!"

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Hold a Rock Festival for an Important Cause

Back in 1969, one of the most memorable rook concerts of all time took place in Woodstock. No more than 50,000 attendees were expected to participate in the 3-day festival, and neither promoters nor financiers were prepared for the estimated 350,000-400,000 people who showed up to hear Santana, Jimi Hendrix, the Grateful Dead, Janis Joplin, The Band, and numerous other outstanding performers. Held on Max Yasgur's 600-acre farm in White Lake, New York, the "3 Days of Peace & Music" was a resounding success. 

But it had some problems. Music festivals, whether they are held outside or inside, must address the needs of all attendees – security, washroom facilities, food, drink, lighting, seating, electrical engineers, sound engineers, promoters, financing, weather preparedness, event supplies and concession machines – and more. When they are held in a comfortable environment, music festivals are a great way to raise awareness for important causes.

If you are looking for an innovative way to raise money for an issue that affects you or your loved ones, and you know people who will finance and promote your event (or if you can finance and promote it yourself), consider setting up a music festival. How much to charge? What to expect? Check out the graphic below.

Infographic Provided by EquipSupply

A Special Dog Helps You Recognize Your Child's Strengths

Children want their parents to be proud of them and when kids feel they don't live up to their parents' expectations, they feel miserably about themselves. 

As parents, we want what's best for our kids, but we sometimes hinder their progress because our perceptions of what is "best" for our children is sometimes not at all in line with what our kids think is best for themselves. We can guide them down the paths we have paved for them, but we have to understand that at some point, maybe long before they were born, their own inner spirit created a path for them that we have neglected to notice.

To find out about how one dog could change your mind about your own expectations of your child, please read, Are You Proud of Your Child - a Dog Helps You Answer that Question: Inspiring Video of a Dog Teaches Us How to Appreciate the Differences in Our Children.

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