Transitions For Children Who Travel Between Two Homes

Divorce is difficult enough for parents, but when you factor in children, you find that the problems can sometimes be insurmountable. When parents live far apart from each other, children give up friends and leisure time to spend time with the "other" parent. Unless children have friends at both homes, they are pretty much restricted to spending their entire time with the other parent.

Some kids may feel resentful about having to shuffle back and forth and some parents, concerned about the upheaval, will leave the children at one home while the parents transition back and forth.

Most parents can't afford to keep three residences though, and most parents aren't willing to share one apartment, so children are the ones who have to move back and forth between residences.

Depending upon what happens at the "other" parent's home, the transition period between homes can be smooth or rough.

David A. Reinstein, LCSW offers help for parents who share custody of their children. His article, Helping Your Child Transition Back from Time with the "Other" Parent, is worth reading if you want to help your child with this emotional transition. Click the link to read it.

Sibling Rivalry: The Lion and The Elephant

It happens. You think that if your kids are years and years apart in age, you won't have to deal with sibling rivalry, but guess again.

When my second daughter was born, my oldest daughter was two and a half months away from being 12 years old.

You can't argue with somebody who doesn't know how to speak, so fortunately for Keeley, Lindsey could hold her own because she had been practicing speech since birth.

As her mother, I knew my daughter was forming words from a very early age, and I insisted that Lindsey was speaking from the time she was three months old, though nobody believed me.

But honestly, when I would ask her to say, "Mommy," Lindsey would mouth, "muh muh." When I would ask her do say, "Daddy," Lindsey would say, "Deh Deh." With everything I asked her, as a matter of fact, she made the appropriate sound, but because the word didn't come out sounding exactly the way it was supposed to sound, people told me I was imagining things.

With arms folded across my chest, and chin lifted high, I can say with certainty that clearly Lindsey was speaking at three months. And when she started talking at eight months, and people were astounded by how well she could speak, I made sure to say, "told ya."

Keeley would antagonize Lindsey, even demanding Lindsey to ask for her formula by enunciating, "I want my Prosobee please." Lindsey had been breast fed the first eight months of her life and was put on formula for four months until she could drink milk at twelve months.

When you "do the math," you realize that Lindsey was speaking in full sentences before she turned one year old.

Because Lindsey could speak so well so early, she could also argue quite well with her older sister, though in the following situation, I wonder how she analyzed the conversation in her mind.

One day they were sitting at the dining room table. Lindsey was tattling (something that occurred frequently) on Keeley.

"You're lyin'," Keeley told Lindsey loud enough for me to hear.

And one year old Lindsey responded, probably after trying to figure out what Keeley's comment had to do with what they were talking about, "Well (which she pronounced, waaaayo), you're an elephant."

(A special thank you to my sister, Cindy, for reminding me about this incident.)

Story of the Goldfish

Let's face it. Sometimes divorce is cruel, so it helps to find a little humor in the midst of emotional turmoil. Here's where I found relief (in humorous moments with my kids):

Lindsey was around 4 years old when we bought our one and only goldfish. From the day we got that little goldfish, we discovered that he was never truly meant to live in a bowl.

Yes, like me, our little fish was a free spirit. He thought he was a bird. Or perhaps he was on a suicide mission, because we frequently found him (could have been a her) jumping out of the bowl.

Sadly, not long after we got our little goldfish, it, like so many of its relatives, died.

In explaining the death of her goldfish to a friend, Lindsey said, "He took one look at my dad, jumped out of the bowl, and died."

I often thought about that comment whenever he insulted me.

Helping Children Deal With the Loss of a Parent

Most parents are single not by choice. When any form of separation, such as deployment, death, or divorce occurs, parents become enmeshed in their own emotional upheaval. And in the midst of their grief, parents sometimes forget that their children are also grieving. Parents might not realize the depths of sadness children feel at the loss of the other parent.

When my granddaughter realized that my great-granddaughter would be missing her daddy, Sarah, the wife of a U.S. Marine, bought Ayla a "Daddy Doll."

Because I was so impressed with the Daddy Doll, I wrote an article about it, Hug A Hero Dolls for Kids Who Miss Mommy or Daddy. Shortly after posting it, the Executive Director of Hug A Hero, Lisa Berg, contacted me. And while she was contacting me, a fellow Associated Content contributor, Judy Kaelin (click her name to read her articles) asked me if Hug A Hero was accepting donations.

I contacted Lisa, who wrote: "Yes, we are definitely accepting donations! Matter of fact, we have a waiting list of almost 500 children in need of dolls. To support one child, it is only $25. That places a doll into the arms of a child in need. Our waiting list consists of families whose loved one is deployed or about to deploy. Thankfully we do still have the means to support our fallen heroes families. To donate, they can either go to our website at www.operationhugahero.org or send a check to the address listed at the footer of our site."

My granddaughter told me that "as corny as it sounds, Ayla's Hug a Hero doll really helps Ayla feel close to her daddy."  And I, author of this blog, thought, if these dolls help children of our military men and women, imagine how they might help children of divorce or children whose parents have died.

Because even though they began as Daddy Dolls, these dolls also help children who are missing mommies, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, or anyone else the child loves. How comforting to have some daily reminder that Mommy or Daddy (or whoever they lost) still loves them!

In cases of divorce, most loving custodial parents understand that children still love the noncustodial parent. One of these dolls, made in the image of the other parent, could help your child feel close to the noncustodial parent in that parent's absence.

Here's another thought – why not give your children a doll with your likeness, too? Watching them play with Mommy and Daddy dolls together could teach you a lot about how your children view your relationship and how they are handling the loss.

If you would like to purchase a doll for yourself, or if you would like to donate to Hug A Hero, please visit Operation Hug a Hero.  (Daddy Dolls now offers Campus Cuddles too.)

I would like to make a suggestion to Operation Hug a Hero: Why not create "Me Dolls" too – dolls in the likeness of the child, to raise more funds for children of "fallen heroes"?

Are You A Successful Parent?

We all want to know we're doing a great job in raising our children, and JOB is exactly what raising children is. However, it is the only job I know that provides more joy than heartache, and sometimes joy with heartache.

As single parents, we need even more help than do our married friends. The best way to find that help is by joining other parents who have experienced the ups and downs of parenting. Other parents understand what parents experience because they ARE parents.

Having said that, I would like to introduce you to a group of parents who have gathered together to help parents raise their children successfully. In my blog, Your Blog Connection, I share an interview with the women who started a website called, Parent Successfully.

As I write in Your Blog Connection, "Begun in November 2009 by the mother-daughter team of Lyn Lomasi and Jaipi Sixbear, Parent Successfully offers parents links to important articles written by Lomasi and Sixbear and numerous other writers who share tips and information on raising children successfully."

Please read my interview with the founders of Parent Successfully at Your Blog Connection.

Nurturing Creativity in Children

Audrey and Nolan frequently show Brittney and their grandma (me) their own "talents" as they dance and sing in front of the television while watching America's Got Talent, and previously, American Idol (shown in the background).

This afternoon at lunch, while Audrey, Nolan, and I were discussing jugglers, Audrey wanted to know if jugglers could juggle pizzas and then catch them in their mouths one at a time while juggling the other pizzas.

After some discussion, we decided it might be better if they juggled pieces of pizza rather than the whole pie, because the juggler might have difficulty eating an entire pizza while juggling. (But then, what do I know about juggling?)

As we continued eating, Audrey's eyes got their familiar gleam as she looked at her glass. "I got an idea! Why don't jugglers try to juggle glasses of water!"

Now, THAT would be phenomenal if jugglers could juggle glasses of water, I told her.

I love her ability to conceive of ideas and I strive to nurture her creativity by applauding her ideas and discussing them with her (though I have to admit that sometimes I have to laugh).

Creativity doesn't always magically manifest into tangible products. How many patents sit in the patent office, even the 1,093 belonging to Thomas Edison, that haven't materialized?

Creativity is the ability to take two concepts, related or not related, and put them together in a completely new way. Children have minds that are so open to possibilities that creativity is just waiting to be nurtured. Natural explorers who are adept at asking why, children often come up with some pretty creative ideas (some very funny) and will present some very convincing arguments for their ideas if parents would only ask.

The next time your child comes up to you with a new idea, listen for that seed of creativity and nurture it. You might be surprised – and you might find some genius ideas sprouting!

The photo of Audrey and Nolan was posted in another blog Who Wants a Poppochino?

How To Entertain Your Family With Only A Can Of Bug Spray

 Last night, two of my daughters and two of my grandchildren and I found a simple form of entertainment that was so engaging, even the lightening and thunder outside could not rouse us from our positions on the floor.

Prior to this photo being taken, the room with the arrow was pitch black save for the glistening silk shining with each lightening flash.

Nolan noticed it from the hallway when he and his sister Audrey got out of their beds for the third time.

The arrow points to a spider that had built a web so large it was designed to capture humans. Hanging from the ceiling fan above, it had woven its world wide web so large, any one of us might have fallen into it the following morning.

Perhaps it thought it was starring in the new film, Attack of the Killer Spider. I was to be its intended victim.

Though you can't tell from the photo, the spider was quite large and threatening before Brittney drowned it in wasp spray (no time to look for the spider spray that was directly behind it) and the web was built so quickly, you would have thought the spider felt it was on a time limit!

Hours earlier I had been sitting in that room and walking around directly in line with where the spider was later found deceptively hanging in the dark. Perhaps it was then that the spider wove its trap, hoping to capture a giant meal (me).

I'm so glad my family returned before they found me wrapped in a spider sac hanging from the ceiling fan.

We hate bugs in my family, but we are fascinated by them. When Brittney was younger, she used to lift slabs of limestone just to watch all the bugs crawl around. Now we have an arsenal of products to kill them if they ever enter our home (they obviously have no sense of danger).

I know there will be those of you who will be horrified that I killed a spider, and I have to tell you honestly, that I usually grab a tissue and carry the little buggers outside. But when they are big enough to eat me, and I can't coerce them to leave the premises, I have to resort to death tactics. So I apologize to those of you who mourn the death of the magnificent spider who spun a web of gigantic proportions.

But the purpose of this blog is to explain to you how to captivate your children with only the cost of bug spray. If you're ever at a loss for entertainment, consider bug watching. The kids will love it.

(Photo left to right: Audrey, Nolan, Brittney, Lindsey)